What is the bedrock of marriage?
I have been distressed during some blog comment interchanges the last couple of weeks. I finally decided to let it go, as people are entitled to their own view of things, but today the truth of my view hit me smack in the face again, and I feel I need to take one last stab at making my case.
Nineteen years ago I married a beautiful girl with a year and a half old child. We were very different, and she had never had a relationship with a guy she could trust, including her dad. That was transferred to me when we got married. The “year of hell” that you have heard Dan talk about was in MY life–I never intended for that to be generalized to other relationships. Our first year was not ALL hell, but if I had not committed beforehand to stick with it no matter what, I would have been out of there a hundred times, my wife perhaps a thousand. One of the complications beyond our own baggage that we brought into the relationship, was that she was pregnant most of the first year and had miscarriages and then was pregnant with Dan. I could continue to give you reasons why the first year was so difficult and painful, but what I want to make clear is that our difficulties did not mean we were not able to have a good marriage.
If Jackie and I had bailed out in our second year because we “weren’t compatible”, can you imagine how it would have effected Dan? We have an incredible marriage now, but we have been through things that may have driven most to divorce. We have GREAT affection for one another. We are best friends. We have a depth of relationship out of honesty that I have seen in few others. I don’t agree that we should have gotten divorced because we didn’t always feel loving towards each other.
If your love is based on feelings and you wake up after 37 years and have no feelings for a few weeks, do you get divorced? If you’re “not in love” anymore, you might as well People say “We’re just not in love anymore”, as if it’s something they have no control over. It flew into their life, now many years later it flew out and is gone. In personal growth issues we say, “change your behavior and in time, your feelings will catch up”.
Love is a decision, commitment is a choice; this is the bedrock of marriage. Of course it’s more than that, but for a marriage to last, it can be no less.
Tractorman